Heresy & Common Sense

I had my audition in the Twin Cities Unified Auditions yesterday. It was the exact audition I've spent my post-school life avoiding: the cattle call of actors, waiting in a line in the wings, watching the actors before them stumble onstage, hurry their name and number in an intro, give the audience of sixty-ish producers a rushed 90 seconds of monologue (and song in some cases), and clamour off-stage in an effort to keep the assembly line moving. I have always feared these auditions not because of seeing the other talent around me and feeling discouraged, but because I know that I am a force to behold and what if that doesn't translate in a sea of hopefuls? What if I'm lost in the fray? It was all about my ego. I think it might be something about being a little older, a little more mature, a little more life experience under my belt, but yesterday as I waited in the wings, my nerves causing me to shake ever so slightly, I felt a comforting calm come over me. The calm of knowing that an audition is just another performance. And I think I performed to the best of my abilities right now, which are a little rusty. I performed the best I could do in the circumstances and although I don't want to pat myself on the back for "getting there," but emotions came up and it was comforting to know that I was feeling it "in the moment." I left the stage having loved the process and not knowing the result and not really caring. The bottom line is, I did it. I succeeded in doing an audition that I've avoided for eight years.

I have started reading David Mamet's "True & False: Heresy & Common Sense For The Actor." My friend Jerrod told me about this book years ago and it stuck in my head as Jerrod was describing it: Acting is not about creating a character, but bringing your truest self on-stage. Fuck The Method - be brave and truthful. But be brave. Have courage. I suppose this is another way of saying "commit." But "committing" implies putting forth effort, whereas being true just implies being. I want to share some words of wisdom imparted in the book I've read thus far:

- "We are of course trained in our culture to hold our tongue and control our emotions and to behave in a reasonable manner. So, to act one has to unlearn these habits, to train oneself to speak out, to respond quickly, to act forcefully, irrespective of what one feels and in so doing to create the habit, not of "understanding," not of "attributing," the moment, but of giving up control, and in so doing, giving onself up to the play." (pg. 32)

This speaks volumes to me. It is the story of my life. I have been told time and time again to curb my enthusiasm, to simmer down, to be a lady, etc, etc. And I don't disagree that there are times to be appropriate, but I also think that every person that has ever said that to me holds a dark fear deep down in themselves that they can never be the beauty that is me.

- "It takes great strength of character - which is formed only over time and in frightening times - to make difficult, and many times upsetting, decisions. Act first to desire your own good opinion of yourself." (pg. 41-42)

The reason I do one-woman shows.

- "...stay out of school." (pg. 24)

Mamet makes the argument that actors get the training they need by participating in theatre, not school. And I use "training" for lack of a better term. I connect with this piece of advice out of vanity and vindication - I have a BA in theatre, but no higher degree. And I was encouraged to go to grad school by my professors, but excuses like money got in my way and I never went. And spent the half of the last eight years lamenting that. Because degrees in theatre are important (read: dripping, soaking, ectoplasmic sarcasm). I had my break and I've been participating again, albeit on the fringe (pun intended?), for the past two years.

- "...we are taught, in fraudulent schools, by exploitative 'agents' and directors, that we can please only by being abject and subservient to their authority. 'There are ten thousand more where you came from, and if you are not correct in your attitude, not only will you not get the part [the place in the class] but you will not even be granted an audition to get the part.'" (pg. 47)

Again, why I do one-woman shows. One of the bases for my fears behind auditioning is because I have little desire to fit what another person deems worthy of playing a role. This is in part ego and in part rebellion. I want to perform and who is anyone to stop me from doing so?

It is that last quote that made me get in front of the computer and start writing about this. I can only hope for the tenacity to continue down this road I am paving. I am so inspired by other actors around me that are doing it "the right way," and I am learning from their mistakes and triumphs and even daring to put my toes into those wading pools myself. But in my heart, I know that writing and performing my own stuff and being myself because that person is amazing enough, on- and off-stage. And the casting directors may or may not love me. I don't care. If the self-help books are right, I can do what I want with my life. And in the words of the fabulous Tim Gunn, "Make it work!"

And thank you to David Mamet - no matter what feminist issues I may take up with your work, the entire body of which I'm not even cognisant so my opinion is rather uneducated - thank you for writing an acting book for somebody like me who never understood how to name the "actions" behind her lines, but just knew what she was feeling onstage because she was feeling it through the words she was given.