Society's stranglehold takes another victim

I told myself I wouldn't do it. I knew, from four months of looking at my naked body in the mirror that the weeks and weeks of inactivity and Midwestern meat-eating were taking their toll on my metabolically-challenged (thanks to the nature of aging) temple. I didn't need to do it, but alas, in my new place of residence there lives in the bathroom... a scale. And I stepped on it. And I discovered that I am the heaviest I have ever been, having gained about 10 pounds after moving out here. Which means that I am just under 25 pounds heavier than my "happy weight."

I am of the belief that a person's weight is not indicative of their health, necessarily, unless of course we're talking super overweight. But if you live in your "healthy weight range," you can be on the high end of that range and still be really healthy because of bone-size or because muscle weighs more than fat, etc. But I am at the very heaviest of my healthy weight range and lemme tell you, I'm a medium-frame person and not very strong right now. So I did 25 sit-ups and 10 push-ups last night. Not a lot, but more than I usually do!

I have watched myself balloon and not fit into my favorite pants and not get to wear my tight slogan t-shirts I love. I haven't stuck with my yoga program or my goal of "total vitality" (except for the quitting-smoking-again thing, which is arguably the most important) and I have yet to go to a Tae Kwon Do class. Again, I will allow myself some slack for the "winter weight," but my self-esteem has taken a bit of a slapping about as a result of this new-found flabbiness and it's not only affecting my wardrobe choices, but my sex life as well. As in, I just don't feel sexy. It's a horrible feeling.

I know I still have the body that many women would love to have. I don't give a crap. Sure, I'm grateful for what I have, but I'm even more grateful for what I know I can be. I blow a lot of hot air about nutrition and health and I'm just not practicing what I preach. I can't wait for the weather to pick up so that I can go ride my bike again. And also to make some headway financially so that I can join the Y and do some water fitness classes or something.

But for now, I'll do my sit-ups and jumping jacks and anything else I feel like that will be getting me off my ass.

Screw you, fortune cookie.

"Your nature is harmonious and affectionate," said my fortune cookie. Not today it's not! I'm feeling punchy and unfocused and utterly unconvinced my presence on Earth has an impact on anyone. I have little capacity for complete thoughts. Today's activities include: I posted a comment on Defamer this morning as a backlash-lashing for our friend Diablo, who is getting pooped on by jealous screenwriters and commenters. But the comment hasn't posted to the article and there's no evidence of closure to comments. After refreshing the site about 7 times in the past 4 hours, I'm finally over it. I begrudgingly spent $5 on lunch at the local Chinese joint after last night Cub Foods wouldn't accept my check because my ID is from 1000 miles away. I had picked $113 of groceries n stuff in over an hour and a half and then couldn't take any of it home. In all fairness, I was technically writing a bad check because I didn't have the money at that moment, but instead was counting on the clearing of the check not happening till today when the money would be in my account. And I know they don't want to get screwed. It just sucked. On top of all that, my irritability is at an all-time high because of frakin' smoking again. I can't seem to pull myself out of this slump. I had an "I Love Minneapolis" moment the other day, but right now all I want is to be in Southern California at my parents' house, curled up in a ball at 14 again. Seriously, I'm wishing puberty on myself, that's how miserable I feel. My stupid plight does not compete with certain people in my life that have real problems however, so I'm going to shut the hell up.

What a whiner.