Aaaaaand, we're rolling.

Okay. I did it. I did some yoga this morning. Three poses back and forth, 10 minutes, really it was nothing. But it was something. I woke up at 5:30ish because the damn cat was hungry and I knew that I had set my alarm for 6am to get up and do half an hour. And once I wake up so close to the time at which I've planned to get up, I can't really get back to sleep. At least not right away. So I turned on the light and got out of bed and started making the bed when I decided, no, I still have 20 minutes and I'm still tired. I turned off the light and climbed back in. And lay awake watching the clock. Till I finally drifted off to sleep again. The alarm went off. I hit snooze. Or so I thought. I woke up again to see my clock reading 6:32 (it's 15 minutes fast). My cell phone told me the right time and I was like, WTF? So I got up (still 12 minutes earlier than usual at 6:18) and lit a candle, brought the space heater into the second room where I've set up my yoga mat, put on my yoga duds and did a little breathing and stretching. And it felt wonderful. I felt awake and alive and took a shower with the Dr. Bronner's peppermint soap that makes me tingly and put on the new lotion my roommate got me for Xmas. I finished getting ready and climbed in the car for work.

Then I lit up a cigarette.

I KNOW!!! What is going on? I've started smoking again? I can guarantee you, my readers and friends, that this is most certainly NOT a permanent thing. In fact, I'm nipping it in the bud ASAP. Trevor is privvy to this horrible turn of events and being the healthy guy he is, is totally disapproving (thankfully) and has ordered for me the fabulous book "The Easy Way to Stop Smoking." (although we're waiting for Borders to get it in) What, you ask? Don't you have that book, Court? Didn't you quit smoking June 20, 2006? What happened?

I don't know. I moved. I am around smokers a lot. I was stressed out. All of the excuses I had told myself would never get me... got me. I have no excuse. I'm smoking "only" 1-2 cigarettes a day, but I know that will increase because that's the nature of the beast. But I'm not going to let it increase because hopefully that book that I so adamantly stand by is on its way to my hot little hands in the next week. I was about to buy it the other day when Trevor stopped me and told me he had purchased it as part of my Christmas gift. And yes, I did used to own the book, but lent it to a friend for him to quit smoking and never got it back. I hope he quit smoking at least. But the book even explicitly tells you not to lend it out. Probably because in moments of weakness you'll need a refresher. Anyway, I just have to console myself that I am on the road to repair, even if at this very moment, at 10:41am I am considering walking out to my car to get my pack of cigarettes I left in there.

sigh. I have so much guilt around smoking. And I know that is effective in some ways because I have no desire to accept myself as a smoker because it is not who I am. But I also can't beat myself up over every single cigarette because that isn't staving off the cancer either. I just want to be at peace with the fact that a month from now, I will have not had a cigarette for approximately 3 weeks. I hate that I have to start over. Luckily, I've only just started again 2 months ago, but - OH STOP!! The numbers, the adding up of the time! It drives me crazy! Obviously this post is extremely self-serving... I guess I just want to say that I'm not a bad person. In fact, I did a totally imperfect human thing - I slipped up. Momentarily.

I've done it before. I can do it again.